Sink Your Teeth Into These
We don’t need to tell you it’s hot outside; you already know. You’re probably sick of people telling you how hot it is and just want to lie on your couch with the A/C on full blast surrounded by popsicle wrappers. Speaking of popsicles, we’ve compiled a list of which frozen treats are worth your money and which ones will leave your teeth hurting.
1. Store Brands
This should go without saying, but the vast majority of in-house brands are not there to be high-quality products. They are there to take up shelf space and advertise a larger brand. These go on sale frequently, likely to make up for their middling, tooth-rotting quality.
Photograph by Sally Robertson on Wikimedia
2. Popsicle
Forgive us for expecting greatness, but we would expect better from the brand that literally trademarked the word popsicle! The sugar-free variety offers some exciting flavors with Caribbean fruit punch, tropical orange, and Hawaiian pineapple, but beyond that they don’t shake things up from the traditional orange, grape, and cherry combo. The slushy texture also makes them melt faster than the average popsicle instead of letting us savor them.
Azfar Irfan/Irfankac on Wikimedia
3. Great Value
They’re a great value… And other than that, we have little to report on the Walmart brand’s frozen offerings. We like that they can split into two people for sharing with a friend, but that makes it more than a bit of a hassle if you’re eating one by yourself.
4. Bomb Pop
The most patriotic popsicle on the market, original Bomb Pops are a staple of Independence Day fireworks viewings and little else. Not only are these tri-color pops significantly smaller than we remember (and not just because our hands are adult-sized), but the colors also bleed together both literally and figuratively. Bomb Pops taste like slightly lemony ice and are prone to color bleed like a red sock in a laundry load of whites.
5. Signature Select
With a 24-box retailing for under $10, Signature Select popsicles are, frankly, a steal. However, the price is about the only thing they have going for them. Unless you’re hosting a child’s birthday party (and the child in question likes orange, cherry, and grape ONLY) or a family barbecue, you can spend your pocket money on better popsicles.
6. Friendly’s
The friendliest place in town, this Massachusetts-based chain has been serving up diner eats and sweet treats for 90 years! While Friendly’s may be known for their sundaes and fribbles, their popsicles leave something to be desired. They aren’t the worst popsicle on the market, and their lime flavor is quite good, but other than that, they’re overwhelmingly generic.
7. Nestle Push-Ups
Nestle Push-Ups are nostalgic, contain no artificial colors or flavors, and come 9 to a box. Unfortunately, you don’t get a chance to appreciate the natural flavors, as the only thing you will consistently be able to taste is the cardboard packaging. Once you get past the cardboard, you’re met with a disappointingly waxy dessert.
8. Fudgesicles
The best way we can describe fudgesicles is by saying that they taste trademarked. Popsicle® Fudgsicle® frozen desserts taste like a Product rather than an actual dessert. The first bite is ice, the second bite…also ice.
9. Philly Swirl
It brings us no joy to say this, but SwirlStix aren’t what they used to be. All the nostalgia in the world can’t make up for the simple fact that these sherbet swirls are loaded with artificial colors and flavors. While the radioactive swirls and fun flavors (cotton candy and banana split especially) may delight youngsters, they’re a little hard on adult teeth.
Pink Sherbet Photography from USA on Wikimedia
10. Van Holten’s
We couldn’t not include what is likely the only pickle-sicle on the market. Savory and sharp with added electrolytes, we have to applaud Van Holten’s for their audacity if nothing else. While pickle lovers may love this unique treat, the thought of slurping pickle brine poolside gives us the willies.
SuckerPunch Gourmet on Unsplash
Now that we’re loaded up on sugar and artificial flavoring, let’s look at some popsicles that will keep you cool without breaking the bank.
1. Helado’s
Born in small-town Mexico in the 1940s, the paleta has since become an international superstar thanks in part to Helado’s. The cream base blended with real fruit makes for a fiesta in your mouth, and the mini variety packs mean that you can have two (or three…) without spoiling your supper. Helado’s has so many great flavors, but if we had to shout out just one variety, we’d pick the chamoy minis with mango, lime, and pineapple. See, we told you we couldn’t just pick one!
Jarritos Mexican Soda on Unsplash
2. 365
When we said that in-house brands just exist to take up shelf space, Whole Foods was not included in that generalization. One of the last bastions of good-sized popsicles against the never-ending tide of shrinkflation, the 365 fruit bars use real fruit flavoring without any graininess. Also, despite their heft, they’re one of the least drippy brands on the market.
3. Trader Joe’s
Trader Joe’s is no slouch when it comes to frozen products, and their popsicles are no exception. It’s hard to narrow down just one of their flavors, so we’ll pick three in one with the tricolor raspberry-lemon-strawberry fruit bars. Delicious enough to eat in place of dinner, we wouldn’t trade these for anything.
4. Nia’s Arc
For those seeking therapy in a popsicle, look no further than Nia’s Arc. Combining organic honey with more abstract flavors such as stinging nettle, elderflower, and cayenne, Nia’s Arc has popsicles totally unlike anything else on the market.
5. Savannah Square Pops
Inspired by Savannah’s historical squares, this hyper-local Georgia chain offers some of the most exciting popsicles on the market. In addition to standard flavors like orange cream and chocolate, you can also sample unique flavors such as cantaloupe lime, honey mint limeade, and, of course, Savannah banana puddin’. Drop by if you’re in the Hostess City of the South, or order from their website if you live outside the area.
6. Talenti
Is it cheating to include gelato if it comes on a stick? Talenti’s mini sorbetto and gelato bars offer a taste of Italy you don’t even have to leave your backyard for. The consistency is a lot smoother than your traditional ice pops, and the flavors pack a punch, especially the mouth-puckering Roman Raspberry.
7. Annie’s Homegrown
We know that Annie’s makes some darn good macaroni and cheese and bunny-shaped gummies, but their fruit popsicles are a hidden gem. With barely-there 5 g of sugar and delicate-tasting flavors made from real fruit juice, these popsicles are light and refreshing. Our only complaint is that they aren’t also bunny-shaped.
8. Deebee’s Organic
Dionne Baker is doing some sort of advanced popsicle science at Deebee’s Organics. Armed with a doctorate in medical research and a passion for healthy treats, these popsicles were created as a healthy treat for kids but are enjoyable for popsicle lovers of all ages.
9. Fudgy Pop
A vegan fudgesicle that actually tastes good sounds too good to be true, but try a fudgy pop if you don’t believe us. Silky smooth and dairy-free for those sensitive adult stomachs, Fudgy Pop is a more sophisticated version of the fudgesicles of yore. In addition to the original, you can pick up mint, berry, and orange varieties.
Daniel Téllez Girón on Unsplash
10. Outshine
Would it be cheesy to say that these popsicles outshine other low-sugar offerings? Yes. Would it be incorrect? No. Not only are Outshine popsicles made without any GMOs, high-fructose corn syrup, or artificial colors, but each one also provides 10% of your daily vitamin C. Combined with the creamy texture and some rare flavors such as pomegranate, you have a reliable summer favorite.
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