The Gripes That Never Seem To End
Restaurants are theaters, in essence, only with real food and real messes. The waiters hustle across the stage, balancing trays, doing their utmost to remember allergies and trying to smile even when their feet feel like they’re about to break in half from hours of standing. And then there’s the dialogue. Not the cheerful kind, but the complaints. Some of it is recycled and predictable, while some of it is entirely absurd. Other grievances are so specific you wonder if the person has practiced in front of the mirror before heading out for the evening. Here are the twenty complaints that land hardest, the ones waiters know by heart.
1. “It’s Too Dark In Here”
Some people just aren’t fans of mood lighting, apparently. Customers lean over their menus like scholars in a candlelit library, trying to decipher a newly discovered language. Someone waves a phone flashlight across the table, blinding half the room. Yes, the lights are dim. That’s called ambiance.
2. “The Music’s Too Loud”
Volume is, of course, subjective. One table sways to the jazz trio in the corner, while another couple covers their ears like they’re front row at a rock concert. And yet, when asked to turn the music off or down, the server is forced to explain that they don’t carry a volume knob in their apron.
3. “Why Is It Taking So Long?”
Because pasta doesn’t materialize from the ether. Because the fryer can only fit so much chicken at once. And sometimes, the chef is plating carefully, drizzling sauces just so and arranging microgreens like tiny little botanical gardens. We get it, five minutes feels like thirty when you’re hungry.
4. “This Portion’s Too Small”
It’s risotto, not a Thanksgiving spread. Yes, it comes in a shallow bowl, but that’s intentional. Try ordering a side of bread if you need something a little heftier and filling.
5. “This Portion’s Too Big”
Same complaint, inverted. Someone pushes half a plate of nachos away, sighing dramatically, and uttering, “Who could possibly finish this?” Well, plenty of people. You’re just not one of them.
6. “This Table’s Too Close To The Bathroom”
Every server has heard it. Unfortunately, floor plans aren’t made of Legos and can’t be quickly reassembled into some new arrangement. Sometimes the only empty table is near the swinging door with the little gendered signs. Someone has to sit there, and today is your turn.
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7. “It’s Too Cold In Here”
Cue the coat draped across a pair of bare shoulders, and the exaggerated rubbing of arms like they’re stranded in a blizzard. You may entreat the waiter to turn up the thermostat, but the truth is that two tables over a pair of different customers are complaining that it’s too hot. Pleasing someone invariably means aggravating someone else.
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8. “The Specials Board Is Wrong”
Occasionally the chalk lags behind reality. Other times, someone erased the salmon half an hour ago but you didn’t notice from your vantage point. The waiter delivers the news like a surgeon breaking bad news: “I’m sorry, we’re out.” People shake their heads in disappointment, sometimes in disgust, as if you snatched the dish right out of their hands.
9. “Why Don’t You Have Coke?”
Some restaurants sign contracts with Pepsi. That’s it; that’s the whole story. A server can’t exactly smuggle contraband cans under their apron. Yet, customers pout, squint, and repeat their question as if this is Prohibition-era bootlegging and the good stuff is actually in the back.
10. “Can You Make It Exactly Like I Do At Home?”
This one never fails to baffle. Why go out at all if your home-cooked stuff is so good? A customer will sometimes alter the meal until it’s basically a culinary Frankenstein assembled from personal whims: a burger with no bun, no pickles, sauce on the side, with jalapeños—not too spicy. Kitchens adapt, but sometimes it borders on comedy.
11. “Can We Get A Booth Instead?”
If you’re quick with the question, that’s fine. But five minutes after you’ve been seated and the plates, cutlery, and drinks are already on the table? That’s pushing it. The booth in question already holds a family of four, and no, they can’t be asked to leave.
12. “It Doesn’t Look Like The Picture”
Menu photos are often stock images, or worse, outdated snapshots from a decade ago. You thought the milkshake would come in a mason jar with a swirl of whipped cream a foot high. What you got was a regular glass with a cherry on top. Still tastes good, but yes, we’ll take some responsibility for the confusion.
13. “The Water Doesn’t Taste Right”
Sometimes it’s the ice machine, sometimes it’s just the local tap water. Servers can fetch lemon wedges, maybe a straw, but they can’t replace the municipal water system. Complaining about H2O feels like shouting at the sky for raining. If you want your water to be utterly without flavor, ask for bottled.
14. “Can You Turn Down The Air Conditioning?”
Or turn it up. Or move the vent. Or redirect the wind entirely. Meanwhile, the server nods as understandingly as they can, knowing the dial is locked inside a back office only the manager has keys to.
15. “This Fork Is Dirty”
A valid complaint, sure, but always delivered with theatrical disgust. A speck of water stain may as well be an Ebola scare. Forks are swapped quickly, but the customers’ trust is irrevocably shattered.
16. “We’ve Been Waiting Forever For The Check”
The one complaint that’s sometimes fair. Granted, servers often juggle ten tables at once, so a little patience is appreciated. But we get it, fifteen minutes can feel like an eternity when you’re finished eating. People tap credit cards on the table as if the sound of plastic on wood has the power to summon the terminal.
17. “Why Can’t You Split The Bill Seven Ways?”
It’s not that it’s impossible, it’s just that dividing entrées, drinks, and appetizers for a group of indecisive friends is like long division in the dark. Waiters have to become mathematicians on the fly, scribbling calculations on the back of order slips.
18. “Do You Have Anything Not On The Menu?”
This one enters the chat with a sly tone, as if a secret menu is available for an exclusive list of insiders. Occasionally, yes, there’s an off-menu soup or a sandwich variant. But usually, no. The chef isn’t waiting to give you a lobster thermidor should you guess the secret password.
19. “The Kids’ Meal Looks Too Small”
Yes, because it’s for kids. That’s the answer in a nutshell. A seven-year-old doesn’t need twelve chicken wings. And yes, it comes with crayons and a puzzle sheet.
20. “Can We Just Sit And Chat Even Though You’re Closing?”
The lights dim and the waiters begin stacking chairs against tables. From the back kitchen a man with a mop emerges. And yet, one table lingers, insisting they just need another ten minutes. Closing time stretches on, the most silent complaint of all.
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