Parents Share The Embarrassing Things Their Toddlers Said In Public

Parents Share The Embarrassing Things Their Toddlers Said In Public

Kids should come with a warning label and their own hashtag: #nofilter. When they're little, kids have no idea when it's better to keep their thoughts to themselves, which can lead to some major public embarrassment. We asked parents to share the embarrassing things their children said in public that had everyone in the room going "Aaaawwwwkward!"

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60. Out of the mouths of babes.

One of the funniest things was when my sister's son was learning the words vagina and penis. He would spend a few minutes a day just saying Aunt K, no penis, Uncle J, penis. Family events were fun he would point to someone and say has penis? And if it was a woman he would shake his head give a look like “that’s rough buddy” and say “no penis.”

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59. Thanks, kiddo.

In a public restroom, I had my toddler with me in the stall, where she loudly exclaimed, “Wow! That’s a really big poop! Good job, mommy!”

girl-1511710_1920-300x200.jpgJen Batler

58. Kidnap victim.

Four year old son was misbehaving in a store, and I told him if he didn't control himself we were going to leave. He escalated, and I picked him up and carried him through the entire store. He was surprisingly putting up little fight. As we pass the checkout lanes he loudly says "Hey mister, put me down!" I didn't hesitate, didn't make eye contact with anyone, just turned beet red and kept marching out the door.


57. Never forget.

During a private Remembrance Day (Armistice Day) ceremony with veterans, my 3-year-old soiled her diaper. I changed her in a back room and when we came out, it was the moment of silence. She slammed the door and yelled to all the vets, “I just had a BIG poo! And it had PEANUTS in it!”

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56. Well, he's right.

My youngest sibling is 10+ years my junior, so I grew up with him embarrassing me in public.

The worst was around Christmas one year when we went to Walmart after going to a church service. The service was about the virgin birth and how no other virgin had ever had a baby before. My brother was probably about 4-5 at the time, so while he didn't know exactly what made someone a virgin, that service taught him virgins couldn't have babies.

Anyway, we're in the check out line and behind us is a woman who is obviously pregnant. My brother points to her and says very loudly, "Look, that lady isn't a virgin!"


55. Laying down the law.

I took my son into the bathroom with me and the guy in the next stall was clearly having a rough afternoon. My little man loudly said “Daddy, the man over there is pooping so loud!” The guy started cracking up and we had to go over the “don’t talk about other people in the bathroom” rule. When he’s older I’ll teach him the “don’t talk at all in the bathroom” rule, but I need to talk to him still.

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54. Check the lost and found.

My son just started doing this! He’s 3, and I made the mistake of throwing him in the shower with me recently when we were short on time. Long story short, had to explain to him that girls do not have ‘wieners’ and mommy is a girl. For the rest of the day - no matter where or when, everyone we encountered heard “mommy lost her wiener somewhere in Target.” No idea where that came from. I guess we do shop at Target quite a bit.

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53. Still could be.

I was in Costco and my son (who was about 5 at the time) ran up to me, grabbed my hand and started pulling me towards the next aisle. “Dad! Dad! Look! Real ninjas!” Whilst pointing at two women in full Burkas.

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52. They'll repeat anything.

This is a story from my midwife. She was pregnant with her second child, and her three year old daughter asks why mummy’s belly is so big. She’s told there’s a baby in there.

She turns to daddy and asks “do you have a baby in there too?” Dad replies gently “No, I’m just fat!”

A few days later in the checkout line and there’s a very large lady behind them in the line.

The little girl asks the lady “Do you have a baby in your tummy like my mummy?”

The lady is kind and just says no she doesn’t, to which the girl responds “Oh you're just fat then?"

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51. Nothing gets past him.

So my younger brother was 5/6 years old. My dad was coaching my basketball team (was in 7th grade) and my brother came along to hang out at the practice. Now my brother has Asperger's so of course at that age social awareness is non-existent. There are a few black kids on the team and my brother was learning about Martin Luther King Jr. as it was around the time of the holiday. So his brain is processing.

During the practice my brother is standing under the basket as we're doing lay up lines. All of a sudden as one of the black kids goes past him my brother goes, "Are you an African-American?" and my friend chuckles and goes "Uh, yeah" and my brother with a completely dead serious face and tone just goes

"I knew it."

My dad exclaimed "Nothing gets past my boy!"

Whole team was rolling on the floor laughing.

For those wondering my brother is now 23, accepting of all races and also writes and plays for a pretty awesome band.



50. That would be cool.

We were at the grocery store one time and my little brother saw a man with a prosthetic arm, he was SO EXCITED because "MOMMY, SISSY, LOOK, HE HAS A ROBOT ARM!!!" the guy was totally cool about it and even let lil' bro touch the "robot arm" and they became buddies and waved at each other every time they passed each other in the store.

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49. Inquiring minds want to know.

This was the LAST time my daughter came into a bathroom stall with me. During a road trip, we'd stopped at a gas station to use the restroom, and my husband took our son while I took our daughter. While I'm going to the bathroom my daughter says, "Why you have hair down there, Mommy? What's that hair for? Why don't I have hair down there?" On, and on, and on. She. Would. Not. Stop. And then I hear it, suppressed laughter from the stall next to us. I refused to leave the stall until the other woman left, because I did not want to make eye contact with her.

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48. Trash talk.

My wife had my 3 year old at the park one day. She decided to pick up some litter to make the park look nicer so she was throwing away pop bottles, chip bags etc. and he wanted to help.

He stoops to pick up some cigarette butts and my wife says leave those to mommy (she wasn't going to pick them up but didn't want him to touch them either).

A few minutes later he has gone to play. He tells another mom, "I'm finding cigarettes for mommy."

My wife was so embarrassed and said she got the dirtiest looks from near by parents who heard this.


47. Private in public.

I was in Target with my 4 year old boy twins. One has a nervous habit of grabbing his parts. I quietly said to him “let go, hands off dude” and he yells at the top of his lungs “BUT MAMA MY PENIS WON'T GO DOWN!” I don’t think I’ve ever left Target so fast.

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46. It's fun to meet new people.

At the grocery store, my daughter, who was 2 at the time, and I were about to pass an African American lady in an aisle. At this point, she had never seen anyone with a darker skin color such as hers. She’s about 2 feet from us. So, she sees her, turns to me and yells (while pointing), “look Mom!!! It’s a chocolate lady!!!” I froze for a sec, said “yes honey, isn’t she beautiful?” She yells yes, and I practically ran away down the aisle. That poor lady was such a good sport.

BONUS: We met a man with a hook for a hand and she sprinted up to him to ask him if he was Captain Hook

african-american-1180847_1920-300x200.jpgImage by Dean Moriarty from Pixabay

45. Just wanted a hug.

My son was 2 and thought every black man was his dad. He was away for the military a while so when we were at Boston Market he called another random stranger “daddy!!” And ran to him and hugged him. Hahaha the guy actually picked him up and said “I’m not you’re dad but hey buddy!”

I was mortified but couldn’t stop laughing.

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44. She just had to know.

I have a story about my sister. This happened back in the seventies and she was about three years old. My mom tells this story all the time.

She and my mom were in a very long line for the restroom. There was a lady a few people in front of them who was over 300 lbs. My sister yells "Mom! Isn't that the fattest lady you've ever seen?"

Other people in line were doing their best not to laugh and my mom is horribly embarrassed. And then my sister looks at her and asks "Isn't she the fattest lady you've ever seen?"

My mom had enough and took my sister out of the line and walked away.

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43. It's an acquired taste.

When I was little (under 5) my dad would jokingly ask if I wanted a cold beer. I would always respond with "no." Until one day when we were in the grocery store, he asked if I wanted anything, to which I replied: "a cold beer" while we were standing in line.

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42. In need of charity.

My son came home from kindergarten with his backpack full of canned food. When pressed about the issue he confidently stated that he had told the teacher he was hungry and we didn't have any food at home! They had sent him home with the donations for those in need!! We got him to return the food the next day... It's a funny story we tell now but talk about embarrassed!!!

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41. Howdy, neighbors.

Me and my 3 year old were at my mom's house & to get her to leave I told her, come on we have to go home and take a shower, to make her laugh I said we need a shower because our bums are stinky.

Later when we got home in a full elevator, my daughter turns to me and says, "Mom you need to shower because your bum is stinky."

I was mortified.

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40. That's not dinner table conversation.

When my cousin was about 2 she still occasionally took baths with her mom, my aunt. One night we're at their house for dinner, out of nowhere, she blurts out at my uncle, "Daddy, you got hair on your peepee, too?!" And that was the first and only time in my life I nearly required the Heimlich maneuver.

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39. Fascinated by differences.

There is a man who lives in our village with no arms, Mr M. His children attended my son's nursery so he has met him many times. We were in a packed doctors waiting room one day and Mr M came in.

Son, at full volume: Look mummy! There's Mr M that I told you about. He has no arms! Look! LOOOOK! [Pointing]

At this point the whole waiting room, in true British style, have turned their heads in the opposite direction to Mr M, and are actively trying NOT to look while similarly avoiding eye-contact with me, and the 'disrespectful small child' who draws attention to people's disabilities.

Me: Ah yes, that is Mr M. We see him at school don't we.

Son: Yeah, he came in to talk to us one day, [oh gosh what is coming next....] he drives his car with his feet! [Please don't say more...] He is TOTALLY AWESOME!

[massive sigh of relief!] Yeah dude, he really is!

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38. You always remember your first.

I grew up in the 80’s in a small town with very few POC. My dad and I went out for lunch one day and our waitress was black. I was THRILLED. I kept poking my dad and telling him in a loud voice, “Dad! Dad! It’s Roz! Dad! Roz from Night Court is our waitress.” He was VERY embarrassed.

Years later I lived in the same town and had an employee who was a very dark skinned black man. We worked a Christmas in a retail shop together. One day the store is PACKED with people and kids and he says to me “Want to see something funny?” And I say sure of course. He walks by this mom and toddler that she’s carrying and waves at the little girl. Her eyes widen and then proceed to follow him around the store. Whipping her head around, wide eyed, she will not let him out of her sight. He comes back over to me and says “I always can tell when I’m the first black person a kid has seen.” It was so cute and magical!

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37. Young bias.

My best friend is gay. He and his partner have lovingly been called “the gays” at our house after a slip up when calling them “the guys” came out as “the gays”, which they thought was funny and began to call themselves that. It caught on after a while. Picking up dinner one night at the grocery store, my daughter asked if they were coming over to eat with us, as they do once or twice a week. My best friend tends to tease my daughter who, at 5, can be sensitive to it. I said no and she replied by loudly exclaiming for all to hear: “Thank God, because I hate the gays!”

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36. Can't hurt to ask.

My daughter says plenty of embarrassing things. She told someone I had a mustache recently (I have a barely visible lady stache thank you very much!), while laughing maniacally. But the most recent embarrassment was this: Met up with a friend and his girlfriend with their three year old... He has some kind of nerve palsy that made one of his eyes droopy. He had a surgery on it and it's a lot better but you can still tell. My daughter and their son played well together for hours... Then as we were leaving, she pokes him and says (as loud as possible), "Hey, what's wrong with your eye?!" To which he sweetly said "Nothing!"


35. Brutal honesty.

Not mine, but my aunt was pregnant with her second kid when they were going to the grocery store. Her son was probably 4 at the time and had recently found out that he was going to have a new brother/sister. So it was fresh in his mind. As they were walking into the store, a black family was walking out with their baby girl, and my cousin points at that baby and says "I don't want one like that, mommy." My aunt quickly says "He means he wants a brother." That cover probably didn't save her that much, but I probably wouldn't have been able to even come up with that in the moment.

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34. Right on Target.

My 3 year old, normally sweet and very empathetic, was being a total turd in Target. As we’re running around trying to get out, she sees someone with an obvious birth defect stocking the makeup shelves. Before we could whisk her away she shouts “look at his tiny arms! TINY T-REX ARMS!” She was so excited for this guy, who was not at all amused by her.


33. Pointing out the obvious.

I took my daughter into the men's bathroom in a supermarket as she had to go. Went in the cubicle, she'd done her business I helped clean up then we came out. I went over to the sinks to wash my hands and she pointed at a guy peeing in the urinal.

"Daddy, that man has a penis like you. He has a little penis and you have a big penis."

I scooped her up and we left quick. I felt so bad for that guy getting called out like that by a wee girl.

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32. We found him.

Not a parent but when my family and I were on vacation in Yellowstone/Custers Last Stand there was a Native American man dressed as a warrior doing a photo shoot. My little brother about 3 at the time yells out loud DAD THERE'S STILL ONE LEFT! The man was a good sport and started laughing. Even got a picture with him later in the day.

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31. Can't tell a lie.

So this is something I said as a toddler, apparently.

I was developmentally delayed, so had to go to a child therapist until I was 5. When I was about 4, we were in the waiting room with a bunch of other kids and teenagers and their parents. I was walking around, minding my own business. I was pretty nonverbal (part of the reason I was in therapy), so generally didn't talk.

I suddenly stopped in front of this one teenager. I point to her face and scream "Face ugly!"

My mom is mortified. Not only is it a terrible thing to say, I said it to a teenager who was already in therapy. She pulling me and chastising me "That is an ugly thing to say!" but the damage was done.

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30. Hide the dictionary.

I had my first embarrassing moment only two days ago. I was in the doctor's waiting room with my 2.5 old son. A kid walks in, maybe 4 or 5, with a huge, hairy mole on his cheek. The kind that takes up half his cheek and you have to avoid staring at. Poor kid.

Anyway, my son stares because of course, then turns to me and says, obviously at a loss for words, "mommy, the boy... It's black on his cheek... Mommy look!"

Fortunately, we're expats, and my son doesn't speak the local language yet. As far as I can tell, no one understood him. But now I know it's coming...

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29. All the colours of the rainbow.

I don’t have a kid but my mother has never let me live this one down.

The backstory for this story is that a few days before this situation my mom was showering with me and I asked her about “her pink.” And after some questions she realized I was talking about her vagina so she tells me “that’s my vagina, it’s supposed to be pink.”

So now that you have the necessary background info, I can tell you our situation. My mom was in the checkout line at the grocery store, loading up the conveyor belt, and I turned to the cashier and dropped this little gem: “my mommy’s ‘gina is pink. Is your ‘gina pink too?”

My mom said that both her and the cashier turned bright red and they finished the transaction in silence.


28. Blame it on TV.

Back in the late 80's or early 90's my nephew saw a family standing in line at the grocery store and yelled excitedly, "look Mommy, it's the COSBY SHOW" (apparently the only black family he knew). My sister was mortified but the family's mom thought it was funny.

This wasn't in public but when my son was little, he announced over dinner once, "this spaghetti is d*mn good!" (our family doesn't swear). Based on the surprised looks he received, he sheepishly asked, "does that NOT mean 'very'?" Apparently he had gathered from TV that the word meant very.


27. So thoughtful.

While walking around the zoo, my son who was 5 at the time saw a guy in a wheelchair who didn’t have any legs below his knees. So when my son asked me why his legs looked like that, I didn’t think anything of saying, “he lost his legs.” Obviously in my head that just meant something medically happened and doctors had removed them, but as that’s pretty descriptive to a kiddo, I thought my answer was enough.

I turn around for a second to look at an animal and my kid approaches the wheelchair guy and asks, “do you want me to help you find your legs? Maybe they’re by the tigers.”

Ugh. Thank god the guy laughed because I wanted to die right then and there.


26. Call the police.

Not my kid, but I took my nephew, now 11, to the mall once when he was about 3/4, and this girl started talking to us. She thought it was so cute that I brought my nephew to the mall and how I was such a good uncle, nephew says, “My uncle likes to beat me.” There was no coming back from that. I had never laid a hand on him, never even considered it - until that moment. All I can do now is laugh, and wait for revenge.

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25. Good comparison.

When my sister was around three my mom was running errands after picking her up from kindergarten and when they were waiting to cross the street, a little person stopped besides them. My sister mumbles something apprehensively to my mom and she’s like “you need to speak up, honey,” to which she screams:


Of course the man heard and stared daggers at my mom. My mom didn’t know what to do and couldn’t think of something appropriate to say fast enough so she says: “You don’t have to be scared of little people, they’re nice! If they weren’t, Snow White wouldn’t be friends with seven of them!”

It’s been 20 years and my family still hasn’t let neither of them live it down.

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24. Little kid logic.

My very white and blond daughter was at McDonald's playing in the play area. There was a little black boy she was playing with. He had gone over to eat when his mom brought the food over to their table. My daughter didn't notice and she came over to me and very loudly asked me "Where did the chocolate boy go?" His mom heard and looked over. I was mortified at the time but now I just think it's funny.

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23. No pointing.

My boss lives in a very Caucasian-dominant area. When his older son was about 3, they were in a restaurant and there was an African American gentleman sitting at a table across from them. My boss’s son stands up on the table and exclaims, “THERE’S ONE!”, pointing at the man and started singing the Little Bill theme song. My boss and his wife just grabbed their son and ran to the front to pay their bill, mortified.

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22. Cutting through the sadness.

In November of 2018, my brother in law passed away. Normally I'm not the parent that takes kids to funerals because it's just weird to me, but we had to take my 3 year old because there was no one to leave her with. We sat far enough back that she couldn't see him up front in the open casket. About 10 minutes into the service, she announced to everyone, "Ok we're done now! Time to go home everybody!" Everyone died laughing at her, and I imagine that my brother in law would have found it hilarious too!

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21. Asking the tough questions.

My 5 year old told our waitress that her dad was peeing out rocks and crying and that's why she's only going to have lemon water and no soda ever again because soda gives you pee-pee rocks (kidney stones.) He was mortified. She also asked her aunt why she's doesn't have a boyfriend since she's "fat but still beautiful" on her 34th birthday. I love my daughter but man does she have some timing with her word vomit.

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20. Keep it above the waist.

Not out in public but with my boss. We were potty training my daughter, 2 yrs old, and found the best way was to just let her run around naked and she did really well. One day our middle child accidentally facetimed my boss and her son answered, who happens to be my daughter's best friend. My daughter heard his voice from the other room and came running in and said hi to him and his mom, my boss, and noticed he didn't have a shirt on and said "you're naked too?! So am I see?" And proceeded to take the phone and give a full on shot of her lady parts... mortified I'm pretty sure I may have broken the sound barrier as I flew off the couch and across the room to snatch the phone out of her hand.. I am actually now dead of embarrassment and am writing this from the afterlife.

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19. Too young for prejudice.

When my brother was a toddler, we were living in Los Angeles, taking the train through a pretty bad neighborhood. Most of the people on the train were speaking Spanish, which my brother didn’t understand at 4 years old. Assuming that they were all trying to annoy him, he shouted “I hate Mexicans!” We got off at the next stop.

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18. He was gonna find out some time.

I have a son and daughter. After my daughter was born and my son saw me change her diaper for the first time, he was mesmerized by her vulva because all he knew were penises at that point. I was very matter-of-fact with him about it. He was 3.

“Some people have penises like you, and some people have vulvas like your sister.”

One day just he and I went out to eat at a very busy restaurant and I had to pee. I took him into the stall with me and as I was sitting there, he stood RIGHT in front of me, bent over with his hands on his knees, and looked between my legs.


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17. That's spot on.

Actually it was my brother, but our parents decided we were old enough for a first visit to a nice tablecloth-and-silverware sit-down restaurant. We had been taught our table manners and all was going well, when, before we were served, Dad asked P. if he wanted to use the bathroom. Yes, he did. They left the table.
The facilities must have been the old tile-wall urinal with wash-down type, because when they came back, P. was in awe: "WE MADE WEE-WEE ON THE WALL!!" he announced to gales of laughter from the other patrons. The staff even comped him a huge sundae for dessert.

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16. Medical secrets revealed.

My son was a little older than a toddler, maybe four or five years old. I suffer from Crohn’s Disease, and I had a long-term temporary ileostomy. For those of you unfamiliar with this, a small part of your intestine is brought up through a hole in your abdomen and your waste is collected in a bag attached to your stomach.

We were at breakfast with a friend and her two sons and were about to check out. Just as the entire restaurant got silent, my son yells, “MY MOM POOPS OUT OF HER BELLY!!!”

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15. No shush on the subway.

My wife and I were taking the kids to NYC on the Metro North train one day. We found a set of four seats facing each other, and across the aisle there was just one man sitting alone. He was markedly obese. My older son, who was about four at the time, wouldn't take his seat, but just stood there and gawked at the poor man, before saying "Mommy, Daddy, there's something really wrong with that man!"

We did our best to distract our son, both feeling terrible, because there was no way the guy didn't hear it. But I was also very proud, because my son was overtaken by empathy; he really was concerned and wanted to help.

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14. All shapes and sizes.

My daughter was 3 and was learning the concept of BIG vs SMALL at nursery. Cute, right?

I picked her up from nursery one day, and had to run to the bank before heading home. It’s our turn, I’m talking to the bank teller, and my daughter looks at me and goes “mama, you’re big!” “Yes baby, I’m big!” She turns to the bank teller and goes “I’m small, and you’re big!” Bank teller is laughing with my daughter, ooh’ing and aah’ing at how cute she’s being, when all of a sudden, a little person walks up to the counter next to us.

My daughter notices. She looks at him and screams “mama look! It’s a SMALL MAN! LOOK MAMA HE’S SMALL, SO SMALL MAMA LOOK AT HOW SMALL!”

I’ve never wished for the floor to open up and swallow me whole more than that moment. I honestly wanted to die.

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13. Hard to explain that one.

To preface this, let me say, I never physically punished my children. However, I used to playfully tell my toddler daughters “I’m going to beat you.” At home it would erupt in tickles and a fit of giggles. So there I am, young Army spouse in the PX, shopping with two toddlers. I said something to my oldest to which she loudly screamed “No mommy don’t beat me!” Needless to say every head in hearing distance turned and proceeded to give me disapproving looks.

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12. Complete honesty.

I'm a parent to my nephew. He's not a toddler but a teen with autism who is minimally verbal, but when he does talk it's almost always loud... When he first moved in with me we went to the store, and he pointed right at a complete stranger and said "SHE'S OLD!" and another time at the store he saw a tiny lady and said "SHE'S VERY SHORT!" He's 15 and almost 6ft tall so it can be startling to say the least... Now I try to make my grocery trips when he's at school.

Everyone is always very gracious with us but it's still so embarrassing in the moment.


11. Who's that man?

I was dating someone who had 3 kids, the missus had a headache so she looked after the youngest while I went to do grocery shopping with the older two. We were at the deli-counter talking to the staff who served us regularly and the exchange went something like this:

Staff talking to the kids: "Isn't it nice of daddy to help mummy out with the shopping?"
4 year old at the top of her lungs:: "THAT'S NOT MY DADDY!"

Suddenly staff and shoppers all turned around and stared, I can only imagine they thought I was a kidnapper or something...

photo-of-toddler-smiling-1912868-300x200.jpgAlexander Dummer on Pexels

10. Home is where the beer is.

Not a parent myself, but this is a family story. In Ontario (Canada) where I grew up, we have special beer stores (called, uncreatively, The Beer Store). My dad took my older brother (who was quite young at the time) once on the way home.

Fast forward a week, and my mom and older brother are on the bus home that goes past that same Beer Store. Suddenly my brother yells out, "Mom! That's where Dad lives!" My mom was mortified.

boy-child-cute-551568-300x200.jpgPhoto by Kat Jayne from Pexels

9. Don't point.

My daughter once pointed to a bald middle age man, he was a little person. She yelled “Baby!!! Big baby!!!” She would do this whenever she saw a baby in s store.

Another time while in Target we walked by the bra section and she started laughing loudly screaming “Boobies!!! Mommy’s boobies!!” That’s what she called my bras. She also would try to lift up my shirt while we were shopping while she was riding in the cart, and then slap my boobs and laugh hysterically.

baby-touching-woman-s-face-1257110-300x200.jpgJen Batler

8. They're starving.

Took my three year old to a church run thrift shop to drop off some donations and then do some grocery shopping. She asked for a snack before we left but we were already half out the door so I just told her we had no food and we would go to the grocery store later and she could have a snack when we got back. When we got to the shop I’m giving these nice church ladies our donations and my daughter says to them. “I’m hungry.” And they giggle and say oh you’ll have to hurry home for lunch. She looks them dead in the eye and in the saddest voice says “we have no food. I’m so hungry.” They looked up at me so fast and started offering to bring us food and I am mortified and just say no we have plenty we’re totally fine she’s being dramatic and ran out of there. Much embarrass.

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7. Good question.

We take our 3 year old on a plane. Although he has been on a plane before, it's still new to him and he is much more observant and asks a lot of questions at that age.

When we get seated he looks at the no smoking light and asks what that is. I explain to him that it's a no smoking sign and people are not supposed to smoke on the plane. He listens to this and doesn't say anything.

After we land and the plane comes to a stop at the gate, the no smoking light turnes off. He immediately asks real loud, "Can we smoke now?" About a dozen people around us burst out laughing. The lady in front of us told us that she has been enjoying his questions through out the flight. I was also comped a beer because of his silly antics.

We have never smoked, he just asked the question that way. It was really funny and a bit embarrassing. We still talk about it to this day. He is in high school now.

boy-child-clouds-kid-346796-300x200.jpgJen Batler

6. Little pitchers have big ears.

For a few days at home, we were listening to a Barenaked Ladies album around the kids since the music is upbeat. My wife and I really didn't pay attention to the lyrics and assumed the kids also would also be oblivious to the singing.

Saturday we are at the library for toddler story time, surrounded by other families. When it ends, my wife asks our 3-year-old to get ready to leave and states that "we would come back to the library tomorrow." Our toddler replies "If I had a gun, there would be no tomorrow". The other parents who could hear her all stopped and stared at my wife with a look of shock. We nervously laughed it off and got out of the library quickly. It took us the rest of the day to figure out that she was singing a line from a Barenaked Ladies song.

We no longer listen to that album around the children.

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5. Playground faux pas.

Not my own child but the child of a close friend.

We went with my friend and her 2 kids, OC (older child) and YC (younger child), to the nearby park and tried to tire her little bundles of joy out with no success. My friend got tired and said that she was going to take the kids home and try to get an early night so we headed off in the direction of her parked car.

At some point I started running with the pram and YC in it, who was laughing her head off, while OC, mum and our friends slowly caught up. OC asked his mum for a chocolate just as I took off and, seeing an excuse to palm off her child, told him that they were in the bottom of the pram and to go and "Stop the Chocolates."

So we have this little child, running after a grown man with a pram, shouting "stop the chocolates" at the top of his voice in a park. Literally half-way between us a group of black teenagers come round the corner and see this kid running towards them shouting something that, without context, was probably really racist.

I was mortified but mum was peeing herself laughing.

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4. Where do they get this stuff?

Not quite something she said, but embarrassing nonetheless. I’m a father of a beautiful 2 year old girl. My wife and I like to take her to the Little Gym, but on days my wife works it’s up to me to get to the Gym with the little butt. One thing you ought to know is that while it’s not rare to see a father in the group at the Gym, it IS common to see nothing but mothers. As it so happened, that was the case for my daughter and I that day, too.

We go in, business as usual, do our clap song and play go around the circle to “introduce ourselves”, which is just the parents telling everyone our kids name and age. When it gets to us, my daughter suddenly drops onto her belly and begins humping the ground savagely. Really going at it. She had never done that before nor since.

Obviously something that’s likely just what kids do, but god. All I kept thinking was how the mothers must have been thinking, “Mhm, I wonder where she learned THAT from?” Uggggghhh I still hate it.

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3. Hard work should be praised.

Took my 3 year old to Disneyworld. Of course after about an hour in the park, both I and the offspring have to go to the bathroom. We head off to one of the main bathrooms right next to the castle. I let the boy go first (he performed a nice quick dump complete with the customary "Good Job" from me as we were still reinforcing the potty training mantras...) then I of course sit down and perform my own glorious #2 complete with a nice "squeaky door" fart which had the offspring in hysterics. At this point the child starts saying in a voice that can only be described as booming "GOOD JOB DADDY! YOU'RE THE BEST POOPER I KNOW!"

This of course led to chuckles from the long line of stalls populated by other fathers...The chuckles ended up turning into outright laughter...I was so proud of my pooping abilities.

Well, I'm somewhat shameless, so I clean up and go wash my hands to find that I'm now getting the nods of approval from everyone in the can who heard the interchange. I was the best pooper at Disneyworld that day...and internally embarrassed and entertained at the same time.


2. Gender equality.

My two year old and I were waiting in line at Nordstrom. She was being so quiet and so patient so I decided to reward her by purchasing a Melissa and Doug stamp set. As soon as we got to the checkout, she randomly announced to the girl that was checking us out, “Mommy has a penis.” I just stood there for a moment, expressionless, wondering where  that came from before I finally said, “yeah...I don’t.” The lady just stared at me, forced a smile and replied “have a nice day.”

We’ve also been talking a lot about my pregnancy and wondering whether the baby is a boy or girl. Somehow that must have raised some questions in my daughter’s head because she announced to daycare that “daddy decided he wants to be a girl so he is going to become a girl.” Daycare never mentioned it until our daughter told us this at dinner one night and we about died. Asked the teacher if she had, in fact, stated that...her teacher said, “yes, she did. It seemed sensitive so obviously we didn’t want to mention it.” (My husband is NOT transitioning).

Ahh, kids. Love them.

close-up-photography-of-a-baby-759736-300x200.jpgJen Batler

1. Sensitive senses.

My daughter (4) and I were in an old mom & pop country market, doing some light shopping and they had just dropped some some chicken into a deep fryer.

I'm guessing the oil was multipurpose, because it had a rather odd smell to it. Didn't faze me any, but my daughter was having none of that.

Initially she was simply holding my hand and walking along side me. At some point in time, I suppose the smell hit her, so she tugged on my shirt and wanted picked up. She's tiny, we'd been walking around for quite a bit, so I obliged.

She took this moment to lean in a bit close to me and say 'It stinks in here daddy.'

I made the mistake of saying 'What?' which brought along an avalanche of her then declaring, quite loudly, "It stinks in here daddy!" She proceeded to do this for the remaining 15 minutes of our shopping, only pausing to bury her face in my chest and shoulder.

I use this as an excuse to speed up my shopping process as I was getting the occasional side eye and giggling from random passersby.

As we approach the cashier, my daughter with her face buried in my chest, now mumbling it stinks without lifting her head, they were kind enough to ask my little girl how she was doing.

Without missing a beat, my girl pulls herself away from me and leans towards the cashier and, once again, exclaims 'It stinks in here!' before resuming her buried face.

I shrug my shoulders, pay for my stuff and walk outside. My daughter then detects that we're no longer surrounded by the stench of bad frying oil and takes a huge, exaggerated breath with an exhale of relief.

She was a character at that age.

adventure-baby-beautiful-blue-eyes-286625-300x200.jpgJen Batler