People From Around The World Share Hilarious Sleep Talking Stories

People From Around The World Share Hilarious Sleep Talking Stories

No one is really 100% sure what our dreams mean -- if they even mean anything at all. Personally, I think they're just all the leftover thoughts in our psyche giving expression to themselves before vanishing.

The random nature of our dreams shows itself even more clearly when we speak in our sleep!

The people below took to the internet to share their funniest 'sleep talker' stories. Now get me that shovel so we can go to the ball!

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45. Book worms, presumably

I come in to go to bed, lay down and am about to turn the bedside lamp off. Cue him turning over, eyes still shut, obviously still asleep. “Don’t turn the light off.” I’m confused now, “Why?” “They need to see.” Now I’m freaking right out wondering who is in our bedroom that I haven’t noticed. “Who needs to see?” “The bugs.” “Why do the bugs need to see?” “To read.” This happened months ago and I still haven’t let it go.


44.  Stress dreams are the worst

She starting shaking me and yelling that the financial reports don't match. She's an accountant.

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43. Welcome to the show

Soft creepy laughter and then immediately propping up at a 90 degree angle saying, "IT'S ALLLL PART OF THE SHOW."

Then going back to sleep.

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42. Light the way home

My late girlfriend used to talk in her sleep a lot. The three I remember most were:

When she insisted she needed to call me. I was sitting at my desk about 5 feet away at the time. But she was adamant she needed to call me to the point where she'd lunge out of bed to try and grab her phone. In the end, I had to to splash water on her face to wake her up.

When, just as I was drifting off to sleep, she told me "I think I might be pregnant". My heart rate jumped to about 200 and I woke her up to clarify. She wasn't, had no reason to think she might be and no memory of saying anything.

My all-time favorite, and the one that really makes me miss her, was when we were in vacation in Tunisia. She told me to remind her the next day that we needed to stop at the grocery store so we could buy fireflies to light our way home.

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41. She sounds delicious

Roommate in college: "Nooo... Get her off me... Too much blubber... (long pause) ...Smells like an enchilada..."

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40. Making dad jokes in his sleep

I woke up restless and hot, turned on the AC. Husband appeared to wake up too. He sat up and said “I’m your fan”, and waved his hands like a fan, and then laughed at his own joke and went back to sleep. Did not remember it in the morning.

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39. Sleeper agent

I crawled into bed when she was asleep, she reached over and grabbed my arm. She snuggled my arm a bit and I thought it was sweet...

Until, with a thick Russian accent, she says "I BREAK YOU" and acted like she was snapping my arm.

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38. Where's the money?!

"The money is hidden off the road by the Indian Reservation." I tried to get her to talk more but she mumbled something I couldn't understand and went back to sleep.

She doesn't remember her dreams after she wakes up so it's this mystery of whether or not she hid money in the desert.

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37. Pillow fight

My fiancee is super active while sleeping. It used to bother me but now I'm used to it. One time I asked her to give me her pillow while she was sleeping and she said, "okay", and then pulled it out from under her head and threw it at me. She slept the rest of the night without a pillow and was quite mad when she woke without a pillow and after I told her what she did.

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36. Veteran of the colander war

We both talk in our sleep but I think this one was so far the weirdest.

One night he started giggling and I asked him why he's doing it. Then he just replied with, "I want to tap your teeth and make them go 'hello'!"

Still no idea what that meant.

Just remembered another one that was very weird.

One time in his sleep he started making very weird, distressed noises. I asked if he was having a nightmare and he told me he's in a war with colanders, trying to rip them apart with his bare hands.

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35. Sleeping dogs lie

Sleeping Wife: Why is the dog barking?

Me: We don't have a dog.

Wife: Yes we do, and he's in the kitchen barking.

Me: Okay...

Wife: Go see why he's barking.

Me: (After a little more argument about whether or not we have a dog) walks to kitchen and back to bedroom

Wife: Where did you go?

Me: I went to the kitchen to check on the dog.

Wife: But we don't have a dog...

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34. The giggler

It’s not something he said, he sort of mumbles when he talks, but it’s the sounds he makes. Sometimes he giggles like a little girl; which is terrifying.

The worst was when he sat straight up and gasped super loud while staring at the wall. I asked what was wrong, but he was sound asleep. Meanwhile, I couldn’t go back to sleep because I was so scared.

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33. A little fishy

I honestly started keeping track of the weirder things/conversations we've had (that she remembers nothing of)

Nov 25 - she "wakes" up.

So- Fish sticks? (Clear and loud)

Me-Fish sticks? What do you mean?

So- Are you making fish sticks?

Me- Yes I'm making fish sticks

So- ok. goes back to "sleep"

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32. Burn the spreadsheets

My girlfriend would be stressed about work, talking about speed sheets and emails. I would answer her and say the most outrageous things.

"The spreadsheets got ice cream on them and need to be set on fire."

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31. Nobody puts baby in a corner

My girlfriend will sometimes bolt upright and stare into the corner, when I ask her what’s up she’ll say “there’s someone in the corner”. I kinda laugh and be like what are you on about and then she’ll start laughing along too. Then she’ll wake up and be like “why did you wake me up? What do you want it’s late!”

I guess it sounds pretty creepy but honestly I find it hilarious.

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30. Muahahahaha

Initially he just mumbled something I couldn't understand. I turned around to face him and asked him what he had said. He responded in his sleep "don't worry about it" and then laughed in this villainous way that I've never heard him use while awake. It honestly creeped me out.

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29. The convincing ones are scary

I've told this on here before, but my husband is OUT OF CONTROL with his sleep talking. You almost can't call it sleep talking, because you would swear this dude knows EXACTLY what he's doing. It isn't just talking. He gets up out of bed, will literally be walking around the house doing things like he's totally aware. Could hold a full conversation with you. It takes a minute to realize whether he's awake or not, he's so sure of himself.

So probably the scariest thing was one night we're knocked out, it has to be like 3 am, and his big butt BOLTS out of bed like I've never seen in my life, waking me up and frantically yelling, "WE HAVE TO GO NOW! WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! FOLLOW ME! HURRY UP!"

I literally go into full panic mode and started trying to grab things and get my dogs, all while trying to ask him WTF is going on, but he's SO serious about this that I just trust that there must be something bad happening. Within a minute or so I noticed that as frantic as he was walking around, he wasn't really DOING anything, just kind of going in circles.

At that point it clicked that he wasn't really awake (I had been woken up from a dead sleep too obviously) so I started saying his name over and over and telling him it was okay, and he kind of just snapped out of it and was like oh, sorry bout that...

Definitely was freaked out for a minute there though.

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28. Mean bosses

My husband sleep talks and my favorite was when he told me to close a ticket (he was an IT Manager) and I told him I didn't work for him. Then he yelled at me to get it done. I said "you're a mean boss" and went back to sleep. I've got soooooo many and should write them down but I'm so used to it by now.

And I'm not the sleeptalker but I once woke myself and him up by yelling "the power of Christ compels you". I had been having a very vivid nightmare about seeing a black entity floating in our bedroom by the bathroom door. In my dream, I woke my husband up and we turned the lights on chasing it down the hallway because we didn't want whatever it was to hurt our daughter. As we were chasing it away, I was yelling "the power of Christ compels you" and I woke up screaming it. Thing is that I'm not particularly religious and that's not really something I would say at all. It was so bizarre. I've only had a dream that realistic a couple times in my life.

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27. Imaginary side women

It was me. Wife was getting ready for work in the morning. I was asleep. She kissed me goodbye. I then said, out loud, "Boy, I sure hope that was my wife."

Like there are random women sneaking into my bedroom to give me kisses.

She did not think I had side women. She thought it was hilarious. I do sleep talk sometimes, mostly gibberish, like word salad type stuff.

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26. Midnight decapitation

My roommate sleep talks almost every night and I once walked in on him sobbing. Full on bawling.

I asked if he was good and he said in the calmest voice “yeah sure I just wanted to see it to the end”.... he doesn’t remember it one bit.

The runner-up was when he burst into laughter and then said “why did none you try to chop my head off just then?”

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25. Zzzzzzz

A compilation: (All of these start with her shaking me awake) Her: "Shhhh. They're on the roof" Me: "Who?" Her: zzzzzzzz

Her: "Where is he going to sleep?" Me: "Who?" Her: "The man who's here." points Me: "What??" Her: zzzzzzzz

Her: "I see it over there by the stairs" Me : silently crapping myself Her: zzzzzzzz

Her:"Do you see her?" Me:"sigh Who?" Her: "The lady in the corner." Me: "There's nobody there." Her: "Her eyes." Me: "There's nobody there." Her: "I hope she goes away." zzzzzzzz Me: doesn't sleep

She never remembers saying this stuff.

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24. Unconscious pranking

My girlfriend (now wife) and I were sleeping in my bed in college. Due to not being able to control the temperature in my room (which was kept at a tropical 105 degrees despite it being a brutal winter), we always slept with the window open and my bedroom door cracked for circulation. I also lived on the ground floor apartment of a brownstone in Boston. In the dead middle of the night, she starts smacking me.


I startle awake, "what?"

GF - (whispers) "There's someone standing in the doorway..." *muffled whimpers*

Adrenaline starts pumping, I prepare to fight the intruder. I quickly scan the room for something to make an impromptu weapon out of. Finally my eyes adjust to the dark , I'm fully awake and I see that no one is actually there.

Me - "No there isn't, you're sleeping!"

GF - *muffled laughing*

She had zero recollection of the entire incident the next morning. I had to recount to her how she almost made me crap my pants in the middle of the night.

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23. Counting sheep

Ex: why did you bring me sheep?

Me: Because you asked me to.

Ex: Oh...

Me: Do you like them?

Ex: Yes... They are nice.

Then she went back to sleep.

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22. I have to do everything around here...

My GF fell out with me while she was sleeping one night. She asked me to pass the "light up picture frame" and when I asked her what she was talking about she shouted "Fine! I'll get it myself" and actually started walking about the room looking for something.

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21. All about that life insurance

My boyfriend has PTSD from his time in the Marines and what they did overseas. The other night, I had my arm around his waist and he patted my hand and said "you're never going to make it out of here. You're just another casualty about to happen. You're going to die and luckily we're married because you have life insurance."

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20. Not so funny now

My ex wife once said, "We'll see how [bleeping] funny you think it is when you're dead" in the middle of the night. Not mumbled. Fully articulated in a calm voice. Scared the crap out of me.

Current wife once indignantly shouted "I can't poop here! Everyone is watching!" And I do mean shouted. I cannot imagine how I would have reacted had I been asleep. As it was, I was playing with my iPad in bed while she slept and I about jumped out of my skin.

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19. The soup thing

One of my friend's little brothers came into the room where we were sleeping when he was sleepwalking. He kicked open the door and said, "[Friend's name]! Did you tell mom about the soup thing?"

To which my friend replied, "What soup thing?"

"You know, the thing with the [strangled screaming noise] and the [bird noise]!" Then he stood there for a minute before leaving.

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18. I can hold it

Woke up to go to the bathroom one night. As I move to get up my boyfriend goes, "don't go out there..." Thinking he's awake and joking with me I go "oh yeah, why?" He sits upright eyes wide open and goes "SHE'S out there." and flopped back down asleep.

I held it for the rest of the night.

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17. Sandra Bullock over here

Wife: Oh no.

Me: What's wrong?

Wife: I forgot.

Me: Forgot what?

Wife: Gravity.

Me: You forgot gravity?

Wife: Yeah.

Me: It's okay, you can't forget gravity

Wife: I can't?

Me: No, it's okay.

Wife: Good.

Out like a light.

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16. I am the spring berry

My freshmen year of school I lived with two guys in a dorm room that talked in their sleep. They wouldn’t just talk though, they’d have separate conversations with each other.

One night I woke up and one was chanting, “I am the spring berry, I am the spring berry.” The other just responded, “Yeah, but Chick-Fil-A said no in 2011.”

They have no memory of this.

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15. That's soooo weird

I overheard my wife accurately recite my social security number aloud whilst sleeping. When I told her about it the next morning she said I had to have been making that up, as she definitely does not know my social security number. I didn't believe her and made her swear to me and on our marriage that she wasn't lying, and she said that if someone was pointing a gun to my head and that he would pull the trigger unless she accurately recited my social security number, she'd tell me she loved me and that she'd remember me fondly once I died. It was the oddest thing.

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14. Mices are nices

Husband: “It’s all over the floor.”

Me (mostly asleep and very confused): “What is?”

Husband: “Candy! But it’s okay, they’ll get it.”

Me: “Who will get it?”

Husband (quite happily): “The mices!”

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13. Horror movie kid

My ex's kid had a bed in the same room with us (he was 4) and one night I happened to just wake up and look over at him and he rose form his bed and stared out at the wall and whispered "who are you?" and at this point I was in full nope mode, and then he whispered "don't tell them" and then flopped back in his bed.

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12. Summer camp sleep talkers

So one night at summer camp, we were staying up late hanging out, but a couple guys went to bed early. So around 1am one of them starts screaming at us about taking his blanket, and how he was gonna kick the crap out of all of us if we didn’t give it back. He didn’t have a blanket, it was the middle of the summer. So we grabbed a towel and threw it over him, and he mumbles “that’s what I thought” and goes quiet.

Later on, same guy, just absolutely snaps upright, “I gotta pee” and climbs down off the top bunk, eyes still shut. We were staying quiet because we realized he was still asleep, nobody wanted to be the one to wake him up. So he goes in the bathroom, and he takes a pee, flushes, and then WHAM.

He apparently went into one of the stalls, and the door shut behind him. So when he turned around to leave, still asleep walked straight into the stall door. He didn’t wake up. Just strolled back into the room, climbed into bed, and pulled the towel over his legs, and bent at the waist and layer down like unfolding a hinge.

We didn’t think we were ever gonna stop laughing that night.

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11. The lazy sleeper

My ex used to talk in his sleep and kind of sleepwalk too. It was pretty funny.

My favorite was when I woke up to him holding my coat to the door, dropping it, and putting it back to the door. Not like, trying to hang it on the door, just like.... holding it to the door and dropping it repeatedly.

I asked him, uhhhhhhh what are you doing? He gave me a funny look and crept into the bathroom slowly, peeked around, looked at me (in bed) and asked, "are you in there?"

"In... where?"

"The bathroom."

"No, I'm in bed..."

"Oh. Okay." And he came back to bed.

My second favorite was when he shook me awake and told me, "I'm definitely not gonna do it." "Do WHAT?" "Yeah, I'm just feeling waaaayy too lazy and unmotivated right now." No wonder, dude, you're asleep...

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10. Yeah, that house was haunted

Same house, same bedroom, different women, 5 years apart.

1st woman - we are asleep in bed and she takes this huge, deep breath that wakes me up. Then, she says, “They are here now and want to speak to you. I’m going to let them use me...”

So, of course, I wake her up violently like WTF?!?

All she can tell me is that she saw several shadowy people in her dream who told her that they had a message for me but needed her to talk to me.


2nd woman - we are asleep together and the same thing happens. Deep, long breath that wakes me up except this time, she screams “THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM WITH US!!!”

I get her calmed down by assuring her that we were alone.

She never sleeps over again.

I sell the house.

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9. Up the spout



“He’s coming out of the faucet.”



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8. Put it in

My girlfriend at the time had stayed over for the night the first time. Still fairly early in the relationship so we hadn't done anything intimate at the point. That'll be relevant here in a second. She caught me sleep talking.

Me: "Put it in there."

Her: "Put what in where!?"

Me: "Put the sandwich in the bag!"

I'd been working as a trainer at a fast food place and was dreaming about someone not understanding what I thought were basic instructions.

The weirdest thing is hearing yourself sleep talking. My eyes were shut, and I was seeing only what was in my dream, but I clearly remember hearing myself speak the last sentence. I imagine that's similar to how lucid dreaming feels.

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7. Never rock the boat

A.R - "Don't rock the boat."

Me - "What boat, why?"

A.R - "Just. Don't. Rock. The. Boat."

So what do I do? I rock her a little.

A.R - "Oh God, no!"

Me - "What's wrong?"

A.R - "There's spiders everywhere! I told you not to rock the boat."

Then she screamed, jerked around, I got kicked in the chest, and she woke up to me being winded without being able to speak.

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6. All the ladies love my coupons

I have two great ones:

I had stayed up late and husband was asleep in bed. We had creaky wood floors, so I was walking slowly into the bedroom trying not to make too much noise. I stepped on a creaky spot, and husband shifted in bed and then said, in a very cheeky/smiling tone: "I have a machine... that will shoot you.. if you move around. It'll shoot you right now!" Then he was back to be being dead asleep.

Another time, I was reading in bed, husband turned to snuggle into me and then this conversation: Him: (in a cutesy, flirty tone) "Coupons." Me: "Coupons?" Him: "Yeah, coupons."

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5. Chaos is a ladder

He said my name drawn out long and with mild contempt. Then he yells “THE LADDERRRRRRR!”

I’ll get the ladder for you, babe. No worries.

This one happened just last night:

He’s moving around slightly more than normal, so I wake up and ask if he’s okay. He says “you need me to do two things?” I giggle as he gargles this in his sleep.

“What two things?” I’m still giggling.

“You asked me to do two things. You tell me.”

“Uh, fix our vacuum?” (He broke the vacuum a little while ago.)

“Oh. I don’t want to do that. Pick something else.”

“Go to sleep, love. That’s the second thing.”

“Ohkaaaaay. Love yooooou.” And out like a light.

He is really sweet, I tell ya.

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4. I like the way you move

My partner used to regularly talk in her sleep.

The creepiest thing she said:

It's late at night, after midnight, but I'm not entirely sure how late. I've not fallen asleep, but I turn over to try get comfy and see her looking straight at me and she says, "Did you see it move?"

I promptly panicked and had to turn the light on, to which I get a mumbled groan of displeasure from my darling girlfriend who has slept through this entire thing.

The funniest thing she said:

Hard to decide between: "Why does he get XP for it, it's only a [bleeping] rock?" and "Why is there a dead Pterodactyl in the living room?!"

I never did find out the answers to either of those questions.

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3. Meta sleep talker

I was rearranging my pillow nest in the middle of the night and he must have felt threatened. "WOAH, WOAH, WOAH, NO, WOAH, PUT THOSE DOWN. WOAH, WOAH, PLEASE, NO."

One other delightful experience:

Him: barks loudly like an aggressive ferocious dog

Me: wake up completely due to mini heart attack and scream

Him: whines softly like a chastised dog

he sits up suddenly in bed laughing like a maniac

Me: It’s okay, go back to sleep.


Me: Just lie down.

Him: goes from a 90 degree angle to a 45 degree angle and his sleeping self PRETENDS TO BE ASLEEP and in doing so achieves true meta status.

Me: I know you’re not lying down properly.

Him: YES I AM.

Me: Okay, whatever.

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2. Unconscious shopper

I’m the sleep talker/walker. One night my husband woke me up because my sister was calling him in the middle of the night. I was very worried and asked her what was wrong. She was practically in tears and managed to squeak out “thank god you’re ok! I was so scared!”

I guess in my sleep I had called her mumbled then set my phone down next to my speaker which was playing the audio book that had fallen asleep to. What she heard was me whispering then a strange man talking. She thought I had been kidnapped. She texted and called me and when I didn’t answer she called my husband to see if I was ok. He was confused and tried to assure her I was sleeping peacefully in bed.

I’ve also ordered bras and three gallons of almond milk off amazon. I’m not allowed to have my phone near my bed anymore.

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1. Gotta fertilize these trees

I thought she was awake but we were laying in bed last week and this is how it went.

GF: I’m gonna crap myself.

Me: What? No go to the bathroom.

GF: Ugh! I’m gonna crap the bed!

Me: Why don’t you go to the bathroom if you’ve gotta poop?

GF: What? That doesn’t make any sense at all, I’m trying to make these trees grow, just shut up!

This is when I realized she was sleeping and started laughing hysterically. Which made her angry.

She didn’t remember any of it the next morning.

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