Navigating the Menu Like a Pro
Eating out is one of life’s greatest joys, but even the best menus have a few hidden traps that might leave you with a case of buyer’s remorse. Whether it’s a dish that’s notoriously difficult to get right or a hidden health hazard, knowing what to skip can make your dining experience much more pleasant. You don’t need to be a food critic to spot these red flags; you just need to keep a few simple guidelines in mind before the server takes your order.
1. The Infamous Second-Cheapest Wine
Restaurants know what customers think when they peruse a wine list, so they put their highest markup bottle at #2. Most people don’t want to look cheap but don’t want to break-bank either, making that second bottle choice a revenue jackpot. Instead, ask your server for a quality suggestion in your price range or just order the house wine.
2. Any Seafood on a Monday
Fish markets are often closed during the weekend, which means that fresh catch of the day may actually be Thursday’s leftovers. Unless you’re at a specialty seafood restaurant right on the coast, consider waiting a couple days for the new shipment. Always err on the side of freshness with ocean-dwellers.
3. Hollandaise Sauce at Brunch
This creamy staple is delicious, but it’s a temperamental sauce that sits out in a lukewarm environment for hours during a busy morning shift. If the kitchen isn't extremely diligent about food safety, it can quickly become a breeding ground for bacteria. You should probably opt for a different topping.
4. Fountain Sodas with Excessive Ice
Sure you’re getting a massive amount of soda, but when the cup is filled past the rim with ice you’re not getting much liquid. Restaurants do this to save a few cents on syrup and make their portions look bigger. Just ask for light ice if you want adequate flavor and value from your drink.
5. Overly Elaborate Specialty Cocktails
Mixed drinks with ten ingredients are usually hiding the flavor of cheaper drinks or artificially flavored sugar water. Signature cocktails can cost double or triple. When in doubt, stick to the classics and know exactly what you’re drinking.
6. The "Famous" Giant Burger
Massive burgers piled high with toppings look great on social media, but they’re almost impossible to eat without making a huge mess. The structural integrity of the bun usually fails halfway through, leaving you with a pile of soggy bread and cold toppings. It’s generally better to choose a reasonably sized patty that you can actually fit in your mouth comfortably.
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7. Pre-Sliced Bread Baskets
Yes, bread is delicious and fills you up before your meal arrives. However, those slices have been sitting in the open air getting stale for way too long. Some restaurants have even been known to save uneaten slices from one table and serve it to the next
8. Tap Water in Tourist Heavy Cities
Depending on the city, tap water can taste mildly like metal or chlorine from the pipes it travels through. This may ruin your dining experience, even if the water is completely safe to drink. Always order filtered water or sparkling Bottled water when visiting a new place.
9. Non-Specialty Pizza
Pizza should never be your go-to at restaurants that specialize in everything else. Most kitchens don’t have the proper oven or time to cook at the high temperatures needed for great pizza. You'll have a much better time if you stick to the items the chef actually knows how to prepare well.
10. Salads with Heavy Dressings
Did you know that ordering a salad can sometimes be worse for you than a cheeseburger? Many restaurants hide their lack of high-quality toppings with heavy dressings. Ask for your dressing on the side if you’re trying to eat healthy or watch calories.
11. Super Spicy Challenge Dishes
If a restaurant wants you to try “the hottest wings in town,” they’re probably not cooked by actual chefs. These painful meals are there for shock value and offer no subtlety to the spices used. You’ll ruin your dinner by burning your tongue, and they’ll likely dominate your taste buds for the rest of the day.
12. Extravagant Truffle Oil Add-ons
Nine times out of ten that “truffle oil” your server is trying to charge you extra for doesn’t actually contain any truffles. The oil is created in a lab using synthetic ingredients to mimic the smell of a real Italian delicacy. If the menu doesn't specify "fresh shaved truffles," you're better off keeping your extra five dollars.
13. Decaf Coffee Late at Night
Waitstaff are people too, and during a hectic night rush they may accidentally decant regular coffee into your “decaf” cup. If you’re caffeine sensitive this hospital bill will haunt your dreams until the morning. Save yourself the headache and order tea if you need to avoid caffeine before bed.
14. Complex Dishes with "Market Price"
Be sure to ask your server how much those filet mignon fries actually cost. Market price items can vary in cost daily and are marked up heavily to balance out any unpredicted changes. You don’t want to see that 4-figure dollar amount when your food arrives.
15. The Soup of the Day
Soup du jour can be amazing, but it can also be yesterday’s leftover chicken carcass boil with sad veggies that were on sale three days ago. If the ingredients seem suspiciously like other specials from the past couple days, chances are they are trying to “clear the fridge”. Eat something else if you aren’t feeling adventurous.
16. Raw Sprouts on Sandwiches
Sprouts, especially alfalfa sprouts, are one of those “healthy” menu additions that you should always avoid. They’re almost impossible to properly clean and have caused countless food poisoning outbreaks. The way they’re grown provides ideal conditions for bacteria to spread, so eat your burger sans sprouts.
17. Deep-Fried Appetizer Platters
Deep-fried” isn’t a cuisine, it’s a cooking method. What you’re really ordering is a bucket of sad, frozen food that has been dipped in the same oil. These “sampler” platters are extremely high in sodium and don’t showcase any real creativity.
18. Swordfish or Shark
Fish that have been on the top of the food chain for a long time contain higher levels of mercury. It doesn’t mean you can’t ever eat these fish, but maybe don’t make it a weekly occurrence. Your body will thank you when you swap cod for those mercury-packed big guys.
19. Well-Done Steaks
Steak well done equals sad desk steak. Restaurants choose the least desirable cut of meat when you ask for well-done because the texture won’t matter anyway. Not to mention, it takes forever to cook meat that color which can delay your whole table.
20. Anything with Excessive "Gimmicks"
If a dish comes with dry ice smoke, sparklers, or an unnecessary gold leaf coating, you’re paying for the presentation rather than the food quality. These theatrical elements are designed for "the 'gram" but rarely add anything to the actual flavor of the meal. Focus on the ingredients themselves rather than the bells and whistles.
